Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
