I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
