even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
