idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
