he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
