dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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