textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
