The best revenge is premature balding
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
