he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
