this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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