this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
