I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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