Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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