I want to have your abortion
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
