I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
