In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
