also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
