I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
