I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
