awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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