I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
