my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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