if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
