I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
why is half of my head shaved?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
