Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
