The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
