Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
