Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
