This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I booty called her while she was in labor.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
