You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
