You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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