wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
