I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
oh god was she eating orange peels again
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
