I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
