he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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