i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
