My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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