Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
