im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
