i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
