She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
