saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
