just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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