Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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