She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
