I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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