who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
