the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
