So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
