Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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