I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
