My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
