I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
