I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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